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Title: Definitely Not Arbour Day
Author: ceitie
Pairing: John/Rodney/Ronon/Teyla
Rating: NC-17
Recipient: rysler
Spoilers: None
Summary: “Oh, are they kidding? This is their orgy room?”
Author’s note: So these characters and this universe are definitely not mine. The title comes from a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.


Rodney stumbled as the guard shoved him forward into the room, and had to catch himself on Ronon, who shot him a dirty look. Rodney glared back at him before turning his attention to the dim, candlelit room that he’d just been forcibly guided into.

“Oh, are they kidding? This is their orgy room?” Rodney said, crossing his arms.

Teyla looked like she wanted very badly to roll her eyes, and Sheppard winced at the word ‘orgy’.

Rodney swayed, feeling a little nauseous, and decided that sitting down on the slightly grungy looking rug might be a good idea. Apparently the adrenaline rush he’d gotten from being held at arrow-point was wearing off, and the effects of whatever drug the creepily earnest villagers had slipped into their drinks were reasserting themselves.

Sitting down made the room stop tilting; unfortunately, it also gave Rodney a closer look at the rug and the blankets piled on top of it, which were the total contents of the small room, and he felt his stomach lurch again. He didn’t even want to think about what has caused those stains.

With a sigh, Sheppard collapsed onto the rug next to him, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling morosely. After a moment, Teyla sat down beside them, moving with the deliberate caution of the inebriated, and Ronon slid down the wall into a crouch. The silence stretched out, and Rodney went back to staring at the carpet to avoid meeting anyone else’s eyes.

“Well, this sucks,” Sheppard said.

Rodney glanced down at him, grimacing. “Excellent observation, Colonel. Also, I seriously wouldn’t let any part of my skin touch that rug if I were you.”

Sheppard waved a careless hand without moving from the floor. “I’ll boil myself once we get home.”

Teyla made a sound that was suspiciously like a giggle, and covered her mouth with her hand when they all turned to stare. Dropping her hand, she muttered, “I seem to be feeling the effects of the drug more strongly now.”

“Yeah, me too,” Rodney said, nodding his head and trying not to enjoy the floaty sensation it gave him. “But here’s the thing: if they dragged us so we’d all, uh –” He faltered at the look Ronon was giving him, and then forged on, “- so that we’d be intimate, then how come I feel drunk instead of horny?”

“Maybe they don’t actually have any real aphrodisiacs,” Sheppard said, slurring slightly.

Teyla nodded thoughtfully, and fell over into Rodney’s lap.

“Um,” Rodney said.

“Teyla, you okay?” Ronon asked.

“I am fine,” Teyla said, her voice muffled against Rodney’s thigh. Rodney concentrated very carefully on not noticing the warm huff of her breath against his leg.

“Okay,” Sheppard said, “the way I see it, we have three choices. One,” he raised his hand in the air, one finger extended, and nearly took out Rodney’s eye. “We wait for rescue. We’re supposed to check in pretty soon, and it’s possible that the villagers won’t kill us before the rescue team comes.”

“Of course, if they’re listening in right now, and they probably are, then they’re probably not just going to let us stall until we get rescued,” Rodney snapped.

Sheppard let his arm fall. “Good point. Okay, so second choice, we have sex.”

Rodney made a choked noise, Ronon raised his eyebrows, and Teyla started giggling again, which Rodney found extremely distracting.

Sheppard moved in a way that might have been a shrug, if he hadn’t been lying down, but mostly just made his body undulate. “We’d get a very lucrative alliance with these guys out of it, and all we’d have to say in the reports is that we participated in a religious ceremony.”

Rodney huffed. “You know, I don’t even believe that this is a real religious holiday. I mean, seriously, the Night of the Three Roosters? These yokels are just a bunch of lying, entertainment-starved perverts.”

Teyla said reprovingly, “Rodney, you should not be so quick to judge the cultures and beliefs of others.”

Rodney stared down at her. “They worship chickens, Teyla.”

“Even so,” Teyla said, and shifted her head a little farther up his leg.

“Also, they drugged us and told us to have group sex or else they’d shoot us,” Ronon pointed out.

“Thank you!” Rodney said, gesturing at Ronon. “So what’s the third choice? Sheppard?”

“Mmm?” Sheppard said, his eyes half-closed.

Rodney poked him in the head. “What’s our third choice?”

“Oh.” Sheppard squinted up at the ceiling. “I forget.”

Teyla laughed and Rodney dropped his head into his hands.

“I say we have sex,” Ronon said.

Rodney jerked his head back up. “What?”

Ronon shrugged, and started crawling across the floor towards them. “Waiting to be rescued could get us killed, none of us can stand up without falling over so escape’s out, and you all look really hot right now.” He hesitated. “That last part might be the drugs talking, though.”

Rodney felt his mouth opening and closing uselessly, and then Teyla somehow shifted in his lap and he toppled backwards onto the floor. His head hit the ground with a thunk, not at all cushioned by the thin rug, and Rodney blinked away the stars exploding in his vision.

When he could see again, he realized that Teyla was lying on top of him, staring into his face with a mixture of contrition and laughter, her eyes more than a little unfocused.

“Huh?” Rodney said weakly.

Teyla leaned forward until Rodney’ eyes crossed trying to look at her. “I agree with Ronon,” she said, and kissed him.

Suddenly things started moving very quickly, and Rodney felt like he’d blinked twice only to find that his shirt was rucked up around his armpits, Ronon was half-sprawled across his legs, someone with big hands was struggling with the buttons on his pants, and he was kissing Teyla again, tasting traces of the drugged juice in her warm mouth.

Teyla bit his lower lip gently, and Rodney moaned. And then he yelped when Teyla pulled away without warning, yanking his lip hard before she let go. His hand flew to his mouth, touching his lip carefully. It was entirely possible that it was bleeding, and okay, Rodney could appreciate a little biting and he did have that fantasy where Teyla just tossed him to the ground and had her way with him, but blood in his mouth was so not a turn-on.

“What the hell –” Rodney started to yell, but Teyla interrupted him.

“John!” Teyla hissed, “You are kneeling on my hair, get off!”

Rodney felt the hands on his pants pause and heard Sheppard say, “Oh, oh sorry –”, and then Teyla jerked her head up and Sheppard said loudly, “Jesus fuck!”

For a second, Rodney thought Ronon must have done something really impressive, and he craned his neck to try and see, only for Sheppard say crankily, “You got me right on the chin, Teyla! Holy shit, you have a hard head.”

Teyla said, sounding nearly as cranky, “And you have a very pointed chin.”

By this point, Rodney was feeling a little pissed-off himself, but Ronon waylaid any complaints he might have made by yanking him out from under Teyla and rolling them over. Rodney clung to Ronon’s arms and gasped at the sudden movement, and Ronon cupped his face and kissed him until Rodney relaxed and kissed back, melting down onto the hard planes of Ronon’s body.

Rodney heard Teyla say indignantly, “Ronon!” but he was too busy grinding his hips down against the hot, hard line of Ronon’s cock to pay much attention.

Ronon pulled away from the kiss, ignoring the irritated noise Rodney made, and turned his head to grin at Teyla and Sheppard. “You two can resolve your little fight. We’ll just be over here.”

While Ronon was talking, Rodney took the opportunity to shift down Ronon’s body and start scrabbling at the laces of his pants, which made Ronon breathe in sharply and push his hips up. Rodney frowned down at the laces, which really seemed much more complicated than they should have been, and he finally just yanked at them clumsily until he could reach in and pull Ronon’s dick out through the opening.

Ronon groaned, low and a little muffled, and Rodney looked up to see Teyla kneeling beside Ronon, kissing him deeply. She pulled away so that Sheppard could help pull her shirt off over her head, and Rodney stared for a few moments, because Teyla’s breasts were magnificent and Sheppard was running his hands over them lightly, circling her nipples and teasing her until she swatted his leg.

Ronon nudged his hips up hopefully, and Rodney looked back down at the cock in his hand. Right. It had been a while since he’d done this, but Rodney figured that blowjobs weren’t really any more difficult than riding a bicycle, so he lowered his head and took Ronon’s cock deep into his mouth. He felt the length of it pushing along his tongue, rubbing against the roof of his mouth, and wondered just how much of his confidence and skill was coming from the drugs. He thought he heard John say hoarsely, “Oh, wow, that’s –” and then cut himself off with a gasp.

Rodney pulled off a bit to circle his tongue around the head of Ronon’s cock, licking off the precome that was beading at the top, trying not to wrinkle his nose at the taste. He went back down, rubbing his fingers along Ronon’s foreskin, and was just trying to decide if he was coordinated enough right now to get his other hand over to Ronon’s balls, when Ronon grunted and bucked his hips, thrusting hard down Rodney’s throat.

Rodney choked and yanked his head back quickly, coughing and gagging and trying to ignore the reappearance of his earlier nausea. He rested his head on Ronon’s solid, leather-clad thigh and took deep breaths, swallowing back the vomit he could feel rising into his mouth. And, wow, that was incredibly gross.

Ronon’s thigh flexed and Teyla let out a surprised cry, and Rodney looked up blearily to see Ronon sitting up abruptly and Teyla tumbling to the ground from where she had been straddling Ronon’s head. Sheppard managed to cushion her fall, in the sense that she landed on top of him and he yelled louder than she did.

Ronon stared at the two of them in confusion, and then looked over at Rodney with an expression of mild concern.

“Sorry about that,” Ronon said. “You okay?”

Rodney started to nod and move over to help drag a limp Teyla off of Sheppard, who was making pathetic noises about elbows to the groin, when he stopped and gaped at the pile of blankets behind them. Which was in flames, flames that were quickly moving up the wall to the thatched roof of the building.

“Okay,” Rodney said, and cleared his throat when his voice cracked, “which one of you knocked the candle off the wall?”

Ronon turned around, and Teyla and Sheppard both raised their heads to stare.

“Oh, crap,” Sheppard said.

Rodney stumbled to his feet and nearly fell over again, catching himself against the wall. He yanked his shirt back down to his waist and looked around frantically for anything that might be useful. Spotting Teyla’s shirt on the floor, he lunged for it only for Teyla to twist off of Sheppard and snatch it up just as Rodney grabbed at it.

“We need to put out the fire!” he snapped.

She glared back at him and pulled the shirt over her head. “Use your own shirt then.”

It was at this point that the villagers kicked down the door. They were dragged out of the room by a mob of angry, shouting people who kept poking Rodney with the sharp end of their cross-bows, and all the while Sheppard clung to him with one hand and tried to yank his pants back up with the other.

Once they were back out in village square, Rodney had had enough. He sat down on the cool pavement stones, bringing Sheppard down with him, and refused to be moved. He ignored Sheppard’s glare and looked up at the stars, admiring the way his breath huffed out white and smoky against the black sky. He could hear Teyla trying to explain the fire somewhat incoherently, but the villagers didn’t seem to be all that understanding.

Finally Rodney said, speaking loudly to be heard above all the shouting, “Hey, why don’t you all just calm down? It’s a holiday, in my experience things always go wrong on holidays; it was practically a tradition in the McKay household.”

Strangely, his wise advice didn’t help matters. Rodney leaned into Sheppard’s shoulder and watched the shouting match, which hey, also reminded him of holidays past. He was just starting to get worried that they might all be shot full of arrows when out of the darkness, there shone the light of Major Lorne and his team’s P90s.

Rodney let Sheppard and Sergeant Popov pull him to his feet. He spared one last glance to the bright stars and the warm, crackling glow of the burning building, and then turned to start the long walk back to the stargate. He leaned into Sheppard, felt Teyla pressed against his other side and knew that Ronon was watching their backs, even if he was doing so propped up against Lieutenant Gales.

“You know,” Rodney said to his team, “that wasn’t all that bad. We should do this again next year.”

Sheppard snorted next to him.

Teyla said, “Perhaps we could try it again next rest-day.” She paused. “Without the fire.”

Rodney nodded happily. “And with better drugs.”

~end~

Comments

( 60 comments — Leave a comment )
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>
sheafrotherdon
Dec. 16th, 2007 11:45 pm (UTC)
hahahahahahaha, this was AWESOME. Oh, the hilarity and the wonderful truth of four people trying to get it on :D Thank you!
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 05:46 am (UTC)
Thanks for commenting, glad it made you laugh!
sian1359
Dec. 17th, 2007 12:00 am (UTC)
The fire was an inspired and unexpected touch of glee.
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 05:48 am (UTC)
Thanks! Candles are great for atmosphere, but not so much for fire safety.
rysler
Dec. 17th, 2007 12:33 am (UTC)
After a moment, Teyla sat down beside them, moving with the deliberate caution of the inebriated

Ha! Perfect mental image.

“Well, this sucks,” Sheppard said.

Perfect Sheppard.

I need a moment to stop laughing at Teyla toppling over.

These yokels are just a bunch of lying, entertainment-starved perverts.”

You win the universe, writer-person.

Hee at the badsex! And then I became incoherent.

Ronon choking Rodney and the subsequent fire has killed me. This is the best Christmas present ever.

Teyla said, “Perhaps we could try it again next rest-day.” She paused. “Without the fire.”

Rodney nodded happily. “And with better drugs.”


Yes, please.

Bravo!

I laughed so hard I cried. I hope you're happy.

ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:20 am (UTC)
Yes, I'm very happy! :D I'm so glad you liked your story!
panisdead
Dec. 17th, 2007 01:38 am (UTC)
HEE. I approve of all the blocking difficulties.
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:21 am (UTC)
Thank you!
kassrachel
Dec. 17th, 2007 02:09 am (UTC)
Ahahahaha!

This is awesome. I love how everything goes wrong, and yet by the end, it's clear that everything has gone right. :-)
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:24 am (UTC)
Thanks, glad you liked it!
amberlynne
Dec. 17th, 2007 02:11 am (UTC)
*gigglesnort* That's probably the most realist Aliens Made Them Do It Team Porn ever. Awesome. :)
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:27 am (UTC)
Thank you! Glad I made you giggle. *g*
darkrosetiger
Dec. 17th, 2007 02:11 am (UTC)
OT4 + less-than-perfect-sex = WIN!!!
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:37 am (UTC)
Thanks very much!
briar_pipe
Dec. 17th, 2007 05:53 am (UTC)
Oh, bruises. Welcome to your first orgy, guys!

I loved seeing the normally well-coordinated folks grow second left feet, while Rodney seemed to be the only one careful enough not to damage his teammates. And I don't even want to imagine what stories Lorne's team will spread about this, but they must be good.
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 06:40 am (UTC)
Thank you! I think Rodney was mostly lucky that they were interrupted by the fire before he had a chance to put his knee down somewhere unfortunate. *g*
emma_in_oz
Dec. 17th, 2007 08:04 am (UTC)
Ha, I loved the drunken incompetence of the team. Culminating in the fire!
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 07:10 am (UTC)
Thank you! Yeah, drunken sex is seldom a good idea, and even less so when it involves four people. *g*
(Deleted comment)
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 07:19 am (UTC)
Thanks very much!
(Deleted comment)
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 07:24 am (UTC)
If SGA aired on Showtime, I would be incredibly happy. Thanks for commenting!
argosy
Dec. 17th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
Greatest. Orgy. Ever. Seriously, so much love--kneeling on hair, banging heads, fire! :DDDDD
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 07:30 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! Orgies tend to be tricky, I imagine. :D
krysalys
Dec. 17th, 2007 10:08 pm (UTC)
AH-HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Bad Sex 101 - Never let the natives drug and convince you that you need to have group sex.
ROTFL
Awesomecakes.
-----}-@
ceitie
Jan. 4th, 2008 07:32 am (UTC)
Re: AH-HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Thanks! Yes, group sex that involves arrows and unexpected drugging is generally a bad idea.
devikun
Dec. 17th, 2007 10:38 pm (UTC)
Oh hahahahahaha! That was possibly the best OT4 I have ever read! Well done! I really loved the end, with Rodney all mellow and philosophical about disaster-proof holidays while Sheppard is stuck to him like glue.
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:29 am (UTC)
Thanks very much! Yeah, Rodney's much more comfortable around holidays that involve fire and yelling than ones that call for group sex.
burntcopper
Dec. 17th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
:snerk: Oh, bad but ridiculously hot sex. Always so much more *fun* than the type where everything goes impossibly smoothly.

ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:31 am (UTC)
Thank you! In my experience, sex that goes impossibly smoothly is rare, and is likely to be even rarer when drunkenness and four people are involved.
seekergeek
Dec. 18th, 2007 01:46 am (UTC)
*falls to floor giggling helplessly*

Bad!TeamSex for the win!!!!!!
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:38 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
lunasky
Dec. 18th, 2007 03:18 am (UTC)
Hilarious! The fire was the perfect ending to their not so perfect orgy.
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:39 am (UTC)
Thanks, glad you liked!
ladycat777
Dec. 18th, 2007 06:28 pm (UTC)
I have such inappropriate love for bad sex and this? This was delightfully bad sex :D
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! *g*
30toseoul
Dec. 18th, 2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
*rolling* That was so awesome, I don't even have words. It makes me want to write bad sex in every conceivable situation now.
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:45 am (UTC)
Thanks very much! Yes, do write more bad sex! There can never be too much!
toft_froggy
Dec. 20th, 2007 01:16 am (UTC)
This is the best terrible orgy ever. I may love you.
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:48 am (UTC)
Thanks! Hurrah for terrible orgies!
kiezh
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:01 am (UTC)
That was hysterical. Poor team! I'm so glad they're going to try it again, without the fire and injuries. :D
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)
Thank you!
meret
Dec. 22nd, 2007 06:49 am (UTC)
LOL! Very cute. :)
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 05:04 am (UTC)
Thanks!
dovil
Dec. 23rd, 2007 01:54 am (UTC)
Oh god bless, this was utterly and completely fantastic. And perfect, did I mention the part about it being perfect?
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! *blushes*
bitter_crimson
Dec. 24th, 2007 02:29 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! This is the best OT4 porn I've read in ages. I love how clumsy all of them were, ahahaha, and how they were all pushy and couldn't coordinate their movements. BRILLIANT.
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 05:06 am (UTC)
Thank you, glad you liked it!
skywardprodigal
Dec. 27th, 2007 12:56 am (UTC)
This was hilarious. It actually had the right touch of 'too many elbows' moments. THANK YOU.
ceitie
Jan. 5th, 2008 05:10 am (UTC)
Thank you, and you're welcome. :D :D
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