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Fic: Body Swap (McKay/Sheppard, Carter/O'Neill, Dex/Keller, NC-17)

Title: Body Swap
Author: curia_regis
Recipient: zinfic
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard (sort of), Carter/O'Neill, Ronon/Keller (background)
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 3763
Warnings: body swapping, sex while body swapped
Genre: Humour
Disclaimer: Not my universe. Just playing around
Author's Notes: I hope you like it! Thank you to B for the beta!

Summary: Atlantis loses contact with Earth.

-

When the Daedalus was two days late, Rodney McKay wasn't worried. When the gate stopped before they could establish a wormhole to Earth, he was somewhat worried. When they hadn't heard anything from Earth or the Daedalus for over two weeks, Rodney McKay was beginning to panic.

"What if they've been over-run by aliens?" Rodney said.

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "That's unlikely," he said, but his voice sounded worried too.

Rodney bit his lip. He had worked at the SGC before. He knew what could happen. The SGC hadn't anybody even remotely close to him in intelligence. They really were fucked.

He could tell that Woolsey was fretting as well. The man had managed to pace a path between his office to the control room over the gate. He looked so jumpy that when Rodney had come to his office the day before with suggestions as to how to contact Earth, Woolsey had jumped clean out of his chair.

-

Rodney was punching in the gate address for Earth for what must have been the fiftieth time when suddenly, the loudspeakers crackled.

Unscheduled Offworld Activation! Unscheduled Offworld Activation!

Rodney turned to one of the gate technicians. "You," he snapped, not wanting to admit he didn't remember the guy's name. "Who is it?"

The technician frowned. "They're sending through a code. It's not one of ours, but..." He paused.

"Well?" Rodney said, irritably.

"The computer says it's a Tok'ra IDC. We kept all the old SGC IDCs in our database just in case."

Woolsey came up behind him. "Did you say Tok'ra?" he said, sounding incredulous.

"There's a message coming through," the technician said. "I'll decode it now."

Rodney watched the technician for a few minutes before he pushed him out of the way. "I'll do it." His fingers flew over the keys. "There!"

"This is Anise of the Tok'ra. I repeat. This is Anise of the Tok'ra. We are calling Atlantis for help. I repeat. We are calling Atlantis for help."

"The Tok'ra?" Ronon asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Remember what happened to Caldwell?" Rodney explained. "Those Goa'uld."

"Ah," Ronon said. "The snake-like, worm-like, mind-controlling aliens?" He fingered his weapon.

"Well the Tok'ra are..." Rodney hesitated. He didn't think this explanation was going to fly well with Ronon. "They're an off-shoot of the Goa'uld. They don't take involuntary hosts. They have a true symbiotic relationship with their host body."

Ronon raised an eyebrow. "You're telling me that they're like vegetarian Wraith?"

Rodney could hear Sheppard stifle a laugh. He looked down at the laptop and saw another transmission coming through.

"We know you have been unable to contact the Tau'ri for weeks. We believe we may help."

"Earth," Sheppard whispered in explanation to Ronon and Teyla who were looking slightly confused. "They refer to us as the Tau'ri."

Rodney looked over at Woosley. The other man had his jaw clenched. Obviously, he was remembering his dealings with the Goa'uld and Tok'ra from when he worked for Kinsey.

"Let her through," Woolsey finally said after a long pause. "If the Tok'ra have news of Earth, we need to hear it."

-

Rodney couldn't help staring at Anise came through the gate. She looked so much like Carter, and doubtless, as a Goa'uld scientist, she was equally smart as well. Probably not as smart as him, but then again, Rodney reasoned, nobody was. He noticed Keller giving him a slight dirty look as she sidled closer to Ronon. That relationship hadn't gone down too well, but she seemed happier with Ronon. Rodney thought Ronon seemed happier as well, but he couldn't really tell.

Even with every weapon in the room trained on her, Anise still looked calm. "Thank you," she said, her voice echoing in the classic Goa'uld way. "Thank you for letting me through your shield."

Behind him, Rodney could hear Ronon making a slight growling noise. Obviously Woolsey heard as well because he stepped forward. "Welcome to Atlantis," he said. "My apologies for the weapons but you understand that we must be careful."

A brief smile crossed Anise's face. "Indeed, I understand. The weapons are unnecessary, but I am sure you will realise that in time." She looked around the room. "We must speak about the Tau'ri situation."

Woolsey nodded. "Follow me."

-

"We have reason to believe that there has been, what you would call, a foothold situation on your home planet," Anise explained. She was sitting in the meeting room, legs crossed, looking incongruous in her leather outfit and choker necklace. "We believe that a hostile alien force has established itself at Stargate Command. This is unacceptable given the position the Tau'ri hold in our galaxy."

"Where have you gotten this information from?" Woolsey asked. His hands were folded on the table in front of him and he was frowning.

Inwardly, Rodney was feeling slightly vindicated that he was right but mostly just horrified. He had suspected that the SGC had foothold situations before - nobody spoke about them, but there were gaps in the mission reports. However, it was obvious that the foothold situations had never been this bad. They just couldn't have been.

"We have our sources."

Rodney raised an eyebrow. "That's just deliberately vague."

Anise looked at him. "Am I right to say that you have been unable to contact your planet for over two weeks now?" she asked.

Rodney nodded.

"There has been a similar situation for us. The Jaffa report that they have been unable to contact the Tau'ri for a week."

"So," Woosley said, pointedly, "why are you here? You said that you needed our help."

Anise smiled.

-

Ronon picked up one of the bracelets. It was small and delicate looking. Anise had claimed to have found one of them on a planet in the Milky Way next to something that indicated that there was another one in Atlantis. "So this is like one of those things that affected Jennifer?"

Rodney shook his head with impatience. "No," he said. "Apparently, according to Anies, this will connect us with specific individuals, whether they have been in contact with the devices at all."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Just how many of these mind-connecting things did the Ancients make?"

"This one's just a communication terminal," Rodney said. They had all been there when Anise had explained it, but apparently he was the only person who understood. "It won't swap our minds or anything."

"Hopefully," Sheppard muttered.

Rodney glared at him. "The only question remains. Do we trust Anise?"

"I wouldn't trust one of those snake-heads," Ronon said.

Teyla looked thoughtful. "I did not sense any ill-will in her. She did seem very interested the devices though."

"So we're her guinea pigs," Sheppard said. Both Ronon and Teyla looked confused at the terminology. "Don't worry," he said. "Just another Earth term."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Well Woosley has given us the go-ahead."

"I would feel more comfortable if I were able to talk to her..." Teyla hesitated. "Her host."

-

Freya - Anise's host - was far more soft-spoken than Anise. Rodney noticed how she seemed to stand further back in the room and rarely raised her voice. Even Anise's choice in clothing seemed more demure on her.

"I understand you wished to speak to me," she said with a smile.

"How do we know that's really her, not just the Goa'uld pretending to be here, like what happened with Caldwell?" Ronon said.

Freya stiffened slightly. "Please do not insult us," she said. "We are not Goa'uld. We are Tok'ra. We find the actions of the Goa'uld despicable." She paused. "We are a dying race. Soon there will be no Tok'ra left."

"You could still be faking this," Ronon pointed out.

Rodney was somewhat amused. He had perused many SG-1 mission reports - the ones that weren't classified beyond belief anyway - and he knew that SG-1 had encountered the same issue many times.

"You will have to trust us," Freya said softly.

-

Rodney looked at his bracelet with apprehension. He had volunteered for this, but he was beginning to regret that now. "This isn't going to hurt, is it?"

Anise glared at him. "Don't be ridiculous," she said crisply. "It will be painless."

Rodney relaxed imperceptibly before another thought hit him. "How do you know that it'll be painless?"

"Just do it," Sheppard told him.

Giving the bracelet one last look, Rodney snapped it on his wrist and thought of Samantha Carter.

-

"Where the hell are we?" Rodney muttered. His voice sounded surprisingly high to him, but he ignored it. He tried to look around, but all he could see was complete darkness. "Sheppard?"

There was a grunt from beside him. "Help me up," a voice said.

Rodney frowned. The voice didn't sound like Sheppard. "Who are you?"

"Sheppard," the voice snapped at him. "Who the hell are you?"

"McKay, of course." Rodney was irritated. He felt around and found something that seemed like a light switch. He flicked it on.

Light flooded the room. Rodney blinked as his eyes slowly adjusted. They were in a broom closet. So much for Anise's theory that it was just a simple communications device. Absolutely nothing the Ancients created had turned out to be simple. He looked around and saw a few grenades on the floor - thankfully with their pins still inside - and P90s.

"Help me up," the person who claimed to be Sheppard said again.

Rodney looked down and would have jumped backward in shock if there was any room to jump backward in. At his feet, looking decidedly grumpy was General Jack O'Neill. "O'Neill!" he exclaimed.

The man at his feet looked surprised. "Don't you recognise me, Sam?"

Sam? For the first time, Rodney looked down at his own body. Neat, trim figure. Feminine hands. Breasts. Shit, he thought, before he fainted.

-

Rodney turned his head muzzily.

"Wake up!" the insistent voice said.

"Just two minutes," he muttered. "I'll be up in a minute."

The voice made a snort of disgust. "Wake up Rodney McKay!"

Rodney sat up suddenly and banged his head against a low-lying shelf. O'Neill was looking at him. "O'Neill?" he said, confused. Then his memories came flooding back. "Oh shit!" he exclaimed.

Sheppard nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Somehow, we've ended up in Carter and O'Neill's bodies and in a broom closet with lots of guns and grenades. I'm going to kill Anise!"

Rodney looked down at his body. There had been nights he had dreamed about this exact scenario. Of course, he wasn't occupying Carter's body but he still had access to it. He reached up and cupped his breasts experimentally. They were quite nice. Firm. He resisted the urge to reach in and play with the nipples.

"Stop that!" Sheppard looked half amused half scandalised. "We need to figure out where we are."

"Well, I presume we're on Earth," Rodney snapped. "Given that's where these bodies were." A thought occurred to him. "I wonder if Carter and O'Neill are in our bodies?"

Sheppard shrugged.

-

Outside the broom closet, the SGC looked perfectly normal. Rodney kept on resisting the urge to reach down and readjust certain aspects of his body. He wouldn't have thought it, but he was missing his balls. And his cock. Carter's body felt somewhat off-balance. Plus, the bouncing on his chest was beginning to be distracting. He wondered what it would have been like if Carter was dressed in civilian clothes. Perhaps in a clingy black dress. He thought she'd look nice in that.

"Stop looking down," Sheppard hissed.

Rodney glared at him. "You keep on smoothing down your hair."

Sheppard made a petulant face that looked really weird with O'Neill's features. "My hair's better," he complained.

"Yeah, yeah." Rodney waved his arm dismissively. Nobody seemed to be giving them a second glance, but he was beginning to be worried. What if Earth was invaded by aliens? He would have been in a female body for the first time and he wouldn't have done anything with it. "I need to go to the toilet."

Sheppard just looked at him.

"What?" Rodney said, trying to sound casual. "I can't help Carter's bladder."

One scientist who was walking by just stared at them.

"My bladder," Rodney amended, with a bright smile.

The scientist looked scared.

"Be right back," Rodney said as he hurried off to the bathroom.

-

Rodney stared at the toilet. He stared at the little box next to the toilet. He actually did need to go, but now that he was here, he was beginning to be a little apprehensive.

"I can do this," he muttered to himself as he fumbled with the pants. The button was completely on the wrong side and it made everything just the slightest bit confusing.

Pulling them down, he decided to do the gentlemanly thing and not look.

-

"You took a while," Sheppard commented when Rodney came back.

Rodney glared. "I miss having a penis," he whispered. Sheppard didn't answer but raised an eyebrow.

They came across the gate room. People turned around and looked at them. "General!" one of them exclaimed in the direction of Sheppard. "What an honour." He hesitated. "What are you doing at the SGC?"

Sheppard looked blank.

The man shot a sly look at Rodney. "I see Colonel Samantha Carter is with you." He winked.

Rodney was baffled.

"Congratulations," the man said cheerfully indicating towards Rodney's left ring finger.

Rodney looked down and saw a sparkling diamond ring. "Oh!" he managed to get out.

Sheppard looked equally surprised before he grinned. He wrapped an arm around Rodney. "Thank you," he said and pressed a kiss on Rodney's temple. "Play along," he hissed in Rodney's ear.

Rodney shivered slightly. He wasn't sure whether it was Carter's body and her hormones in overdrive but somehow Sheppard's kiss felt quite good.

-

"I can't find anything wrong," Rodney snapped. They had spent the entire day avoiding suspicion, trying to find a way back to Atlantis and generally being unable to find anything wrong with the SGC. It was readily apparent that simply thinking of themselves back in their original bodies didn't work. "There's no sign of an alien invasion. No sign of anything except everybody being overly cheerful because they have no eminent alien threat unlike us!"

Sheppard collapsed back onto the bed. "I'm really tired," he complained.

"Don't be ridiculous," Rodney said. "We've been doing nothing all day."

Sheppard glared at him. "This body's old. It obviously needs sleep."

Rodney looked around the room. There was only one bed. There was also the indication that both Carter and O'Neill slept here. "Crap," he muttered. He looked at the bed where Sheppard was lying. "Uh."

Sheppard sighed. "Just lie down, Rodney."

With trepidation, Rodney got into the bed next to Sheppard, fully clothed.

-

Rodney woke up to an arm slung over his mid-section and Sheppard snoring into his ear. It was surprisingly comfortable. He reached over and poked Sheppard in the ribs. Sheppard almost jumped out of bed.

He was all wild-haired and wild-eyed. "Wow," he said. "This body has some reflexes."

Rodney was irritable. He needed a shower but he didn't think Carter would forgive him for violating her body. It was probably bad enough that he was using her body to go to the toilet. He could feel a pleasant tingle between his legs as he thought of running warm soapy water over her body. Perhaps Sheppard could join him in the shower.

He stopped that thought. Obviously Carter's hormones were getting in the way again. "Right," he said, once he got himself under control. "We need to contact Atlantis somehow. We need to inform somebody of our situation."

-

When they entered the gate room, the same technician from yesterday greeted them effusively. "General!" he exclaimed in the direction of Sheppard. "What an honour." He hesitated. "What are you doing at the SGC?"

Rodney blinked. He could have sworn the guy used the exact same words from yesterday. Obviously Sheppard thought the same thing because he responded, "You already knew that I was here."

The man looked puzzled. "I'm afraid that I didn't, General."

"I told you yesterday," Sheppard insisted.

"I wasn't on shift yesterday," the man said.

Rodney frowned. Yesterday was Tuesday, Earth time. Casually, he asked, "What day is it today?"

The man stared at him. "Are you okay, Colonel Carter? It's Tuesday, of course."

-

"It's a time loop," Rodney explained. "Apparently O'Neill and Teal'c experienced one many years ago."

Sheppard looked at him. "You figured it out that quickly?"

Rodney glared at him irritably. "It's obvious," he snapped. "Last time Earth was in a time loop involving several planets. The rest of the universe couldn't contact them for months. This time, we can't contact Earth. Neither can the Tok'ra."

"So somehow O'Neill and Carter are immune?" Sheppard asked.

"That could be," Rodney acknowledged. "Perhaps they accidentally activated a device together." He hesitated. "It is also possible that they weren't immune. However, our minds are in their bodies so we can see the loop because we weren't exposed to the original stimulus."

"So how do we fix this?"

Rodney lifted his arms up. "How would I know?" he snapped. "I'm not Mr Fix-It."

"You seem to do pretty well in Pegasus," Sheppard commented.

"That's in my own body." Rodney waved his arms. "I can't think properly in this body. Carter's hormones are being ridiculous!"

Sheppard's mouth quirked. "We could fix that."

Rodney stared. "Did you just ..." he trailed off.

Sheppard's face was serious. "Well, if we're going to fix this and we need you in top working shape."

-

Rodney discovered several things that afternoon. Firstly that tweaking a woman's nipples hurt. "Ow," he snapped. "Stop that!"

Sheppard looked up at him. "So should I do this instead?" His mouth went down and licked a lazy circle on Rodney's stomach.

Rodney moaned. His body was surprisingly responsive and he could feel that he was already completely wet. Sheppard reached down and started rubbing his clit lightly. Rodney thrust his hips up and threw his head back. "Fuck," he gasped as he felt himself come.

Sheppard smiled lazily at him and continued rubbing.

Rodney also discovered that multiple orgasms really did make up for having to pee sitting down.

-

"So," Rodney said, rubbing his hands together briskly. He had decided that any awkwardness between him and Sheppard could wait until they had gotten back to Atlantis and into their original bodies. Or never. He really did enjoy that encounter far too much. "Obviously somebody at the SGC activated a device two weeks ago, relatively. Or a day ago, their time."

Sheppard nodded.

"We need to find it, and turn it off," Rodney concluded.

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "You needed sex to come to that conclusion? It's really pretty simple."

Rodney shrugged. "This body really is hormonal," he explained.

-

A subjective week later, after several more bouts in the bedroom, shower and once in the broom closet - Rodney reflected that was likely what O'Neill and Carter were about to do when they had been transferred into their bodies - Rodney finally came across the device.

He examined it. It was small, sparkly, and several scientists insisted that it had only been brought in yesterday from offworld.

"It looks like Ancient technology," Sheppard said when he saw it.

"It was probably initialised by you," Rodney said. "I mean, by O'Neill. Or somebody else with the Ancient gene."

"So the time loop should stop when we switch it off."

Rodney nodded. It had been a relatively simple process to find the off switch.

"What about our original bodies?" Sheppard said.

Rodney smirked. It was times like this he was proud of his own brilliance. "I managed to find these," he held up a set of bracelets identical to those they had put on in Atlantis. "I presume if we put these on and think of our original bodies then we'll find ourselves back at Atlantis."

Sheppard gave him a smile that sent shivers down Rodney's spine. Damn Carter's body, he thought.

-

"So," Rodney said, looking at the bracelet. They had just switched off the time loop machine and almost immediately the siren had started blaring.

"Unauthorized offworld activation!"

Sheppard lifted up his bracelet and they both clasped their bracelets on together.

-

When Rodney woke up again, he found that he was back in his own body again. Woolsey was hovering over them looking worried.

"Thank god," he said. "We've re-established contact with Earth. Whatever you did, it worked. Both Teyla and Ronon have been so worried."

It turned out that O'Neill and Carter didn't end up stuck in their bodies. Apparently their bodies had just ended up in the infirmary for a week. Rodney was slightly disappointed. He hoped that Carter wouldn't ask what he did with her body for the week.

He looked down and examined his own body. Despite his body not being as interesting as Carter's and not being as trim, he still missed it.

-

"So," Sheppard said once everybody else had left. "That was... interesting." He smiled over at where Rodney was in the bed next to him.

Rodney felt the same shiver go down his spine. Fuck, he thought. Not Carter's hormones then. "Yes," he managed to get out in a strangled tone. "Interesting."

Sheppard looked hesitant. "But enjoyable," he said quietly.

Rodney nodded. He took a deep breath. "Want to give it another shot?" he said quickly, feeling incredibly awkward and embarrassed. What if Sheppard said no? He would be mortified.

There was silence.

"I was joking," Rodney said, trying to smooth out the situation. "Really. It was a joke."

Sheppard gave him a small half-smile. "You weren't joking and I'd love to."

Rodney felt his cock jump.

-

Rodney realised that being in his own body and having sex with John Sheppard was a lot better than being in Carter's. Sheppard's mouth around his cock felt so dirty, but so good. He gasped as Sheppard licked his cock from his balls to the head. "You're good," he said accusingly as Sheppard scooted up to kiss him.

Sheppard smirked at him. "Why, Rodney," he said teasingly. "Do you think you need more practice?"

Rodney reflected on this for a moment before he abandoned himself to feeling Sheppard's fingers, all slippery with lube, circling.

-

"I think," Rodney said seriously, propping himself on his elbows looking at Sheppard. "I think we both need more practice. I recommend practice every day for the foreseeable future."

Sheppard grinned.

-fin
Tags: genre: het, genre: slash, pairing: carter/o'neill, pairing: dex/keller, pairing: mckay/sheppard
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