But so very bad at everything else to do with relationships
Author's Notes: in the spirit of Secret Santa Madness
And the hope of contributing to the Million words
here is a short companion piece to 'Qua torva res es'
set in the same universe
Adult, and Het and pre slash I guess, and while Rodney is quite young in the first part there's nothing underage. Also this is un-beta'd so
if you spot anything glaring let me know!!
Disclaimer: John and Rodney don't belong to me, alas, I'm only having fun with them so please don't sue me.
The first reason - Bambi
Rodney started his first Masters at sixteen. He was grateful to have escaped from his parents and his felt like maybe he was finally where he needed to be. That maybe it was somewhere he might actually belong.
He was a super-smart genius with fine-spun dark blonde hair, huge blue eyes and the kind of thin, stooped over frame of a person who suddenly grew six inches taller over the summer and really didn't know what to do with all that extra height. He was also so obviously a virgin it was almost a sin, almost to want to have him. At least that was what most of the TAs thought, as well as many of the grad students and more than a hand-full of professors.
Of course they held back from the actual having part, because no one was willing to loose their job being caught deflowering Bambi. Still Rodney was probably the star of more people's 'innocent virgin forced to be dirty cock-slut and like it' fantasies than Mark Hamill for those first few weeks on campus in the Fall of '84. Until the word was out that the deed had been done.
Britt Janssen, a Dutch post grad maths genius with a voracious and exotically European attitude to sex had spent two weeks breaking Rodney in. She showed him in a frank, enthusiastic and frighteningly gymnastic way just how good sex could be. She stripped him bare of all his sexual hang-ups and left him with a lifelong weakness for athletic no nonsense blondes, maths geeks, and body hair; because Britt was a passionate feminist who refused to shave her body simply because the patriarchal male oppressors feared strong, rebellious, natural women and condemned a hairy female armpit or leg as unfeminine, while she saw it as a badge of courage.
The second reason - Morphic resonance
After Britt, Rodney discovered that everywhere he looked there were girls wanting to have sex with him and for the next year and a half they would be inviting him to help them in the lab and having sex spread out on the work bench. Inviting him to a movie and then grabbing his hand and pushing his fingers up between their legs while they jerked him off in dark back row seats. Inviting him to go for a burger and having knee trembling, door banging sex in a restroom stall before they went in to order.
A few of the TA's even arranged to meet him in their offices to go over aspects of his latest theories, where upon he would find himself crammed beneath the desk enthusiastically practicing the way Britt taught him to eat pussy while he rubbed off against the swell of a calf or a strategically placed bare foot or, in one memorable instance, a black patent leather boot.
And of course he had to refute his sister's ridiculous theory that he didn't have the face for card games, so Rodney ended up naked pretty quickly whenever anyone suggested playing strip poker, and once his clothes were off it was never much of a leap to the whole group sex thing. Rodney couldn't honestly say he minded because, one he lived for experimentation and discovery, he was a serious scientist after all, and two he was seventeen and a half and perpetually horny.
Rodney would have happily embraced his status as campus bike for several more years if it kept him getting laid so spectacularly and so often. But then someone gave him the clap, and as suddenly as word had spread, as if by some strange and as yet unexplained scientific phenomena, of just how easy Rodney's was, there was a collective withdrawal of favours and no one wanted to go there anymore.
The third reason - his second girlfriend, Lorna Geldar
Rodney didn't have a relationship until he was twenty six. He did have lots of sex. He eventually made a comeback after the clap, even if his sex life never quite achieved the perfect storm proportions generated by his extremely youthful prettiness, his total commitment to trying anything and his teenaged horniness and refractory period. But he still got laid. A lot. He just never had any actual relationships before he met Lorna.
And she wouldn't sleep with him.
Rodney knew pretty much everything about sex but he totally sucked at sexual politics. He had no clue.
So when Lorna turned him down he imagined that would be the last he'd see of her but he was wrong. She kept being everywhere that he was. She didn't turn away with a smirk like the girls he'd already slept with. She didn't turn away with an even bigger smirk like the girls who wouldn't sleep with him. She seemed like she wanted to be friends and she wanted to flirt with him, which made no sense to him at all. Then she told him she wanted to date, and Rodney definitely didn't get that idea.
Rodney had never dated. From what he understood of the process dating was just a hoop you had to jump through before you got laid. And he had rather efficiently pared away that unnecessary step and just moved right to the getting laid part. He didn't understand all the fuss.
Rodney didn't really do the friendship thing either there just wasn't time between study and research and sleeping and getting laid. Plus the world of Theoretical Astrophysics was cut-throat and Rodney saw no point in befriending someone whose theories he despised because they were wrong WRONG WRONG.
But Lorna wanted to be friends and she wanted to date and Rodney sort of got swept along for the ride. And he could probably mark that as the moment he fell from grace so spectacularly
Because it seemed that dating, and being friends were possibly the only two things in the know universe that Rodney sucked at. And as a genius theoretical astrophysicist Rodney probably knew about as much of the universe as anyone had ever known so he was completely right about that.
The problem was knowing there was something he was no good at was no good for Rodney. It made him cranky. It made him obsessive. It made him even worse at the thing he was crankily and obsessively trying to be good at.
For four weeks Rodney neglected his research, and he didn't sleep much, thanks to some pills he scored off a chemistry major. Instead he devoted all of his time to dating Lorna. Thinking of fantastic dates to take Lorna on. Taking Lorna on said fantastic dates. And after the third date spending the after-date portion of the evening slavishly devoted to giving Lorna as many fantastic orgasms as his dick and his fingers and his tongue could manage. And with a whole month to study her reactions and responses Rodney honed his ability to make her come amazingly. But apparently it wasn't enough. Or possibly it was too much. And it wasn't him it was her, or so she said when she dumped him... Spectacularly... And publicly.
And if Rodney thought people didn't want to go there post the clap, then post Lorna it seemed people were never going to go there again. Rodney had lost the knack of being wanted. Of course once his sex life was cut back to zero it meant he had even more time to devote to his work so it wasn't totally a bust.
The fourth Reason His third girlfriend Sergeant Schilling.
When Rodney is sent to Siberia in 2002 it's the worst day of his life.
Worse even that when his piano teacher, Mrs Petrova told him he was no better than a metronome, and that while his playing was technically brilliant it was so cold and mechanical and lacking even the most basic feeling that listening to it made her want to vomit. But that hadn't been so bad because at the time he still had physics.
But that day in 2002 was the first time ever he doubted his physics.
He met Sam Carter, who was so completely his type his dick practically sat up and begged whenever it was in the same building as her, even the same town, in fact probably just being in the same State as Sam would make him ache, and it was discomforting. And that she was so spectacularly not into him that it almost sprained his poor neglected libido made things pretty unbearable.
Then Hammond agreed to her hair-brained, half baked and completely unproven theory, that had a ninety eight point six percent chance of being explosively wrong, against his advice. Despite his own carefully calculated and proven theories of how the buffering system on the Stargate actually worked, and completely ignoring the fact they had asked him there because of his expertise, they actually went with the plan that might blow up the mountain and half of the city too.
But the worst part of all was that she was only right because of sheer dumb luck. When Rodney went back over her calculations, he didn't have much to do while he was waiting to be blown up, he found a mistake in her math. It had led to a solution that had ultimately been correct, but for all the wrong reasons. And no one had been in the slightest bit interested.
Instead they had taken great delight in pointing out Sam was right and he was wrong and then banishing him to Siberia.
And he really hated Siberia.
Unrelentingly bleak and grey and depressing, and that was just the food!
It seemed as if the entire facility he was sent to was full of people who didn't want to be there. People who had pissed someone off and got sent there as punishment. One of the only people he met who didn't hate it there was Lotte Schilling.
She claimed she was a sergeant in the Luftwaffe but Rodney suspected she was special forces or in some kind of elite protection squad. Or maybe she was just simply a spy.
That was the other thing about Siberia he really hated, the way everyone was there to spy on everyone else. Just as he suspected he was meant to be the SGC spy in Siberia. But Rodney had news for them. He was nobody's spy.
From day one he was vociferously and obnoxiously loud in his complaints. About the food and the accommodations, about the quality of the equipment and the lab space. About the stupidity of the lab monkeys he had to deal with and the imbecility of the morons he had to report to. He told everyone in great detail exactly what he was there to do and exactly why their idiocy was preventing him from doing it. He was pretty certain he was never going to be invited to the secret scientist meetings, which suited him just fine because it meant there was never going to anything to report back to the SGC.
Maybe It was inevitable that the person hated being there the most and the person who actively seemed to enjoy it would be drawn into each others orbit. Still, it surprised the heck out of Rodney when Lotte asked him back to her room on some pretext and then seduced him.
Lotte was funny and stern and so damn sexy. But she had a secret too. She fucked like a guy. Literally like a guy. With a huge strap-on.
But Rodney hadn't know that when she first trailed her hand down his body until she was pressing her thumb against his asshole, and whispering, "I vant this. Gebt mir dich baby."
He remembered how Britt had given him blowjobs with an added finger and he had enjoyed that spectacularly so he pressed back a little. He probably said yes as well but it was muffled by the pillow because Lotte was clearly in some secret German ninja squad if the move she pulled on him was any indication.
And Rodney was definitely giving up something because he hadn't expected what felt like numerous fingers to be inside him quite that rapidly. He was beginning to think it was a terrible mistake. He was beginning to suspect that Britt had not, after all, rid him of all his sexual hang-ups. When suddenly all the fingers were withdrawn.
Rodney just kind of sprawled wondering what had happened and feeling strangely empty and wanting back there, in a way he would never have imagined was possible. He knew there must be more to come. Logically he probably even knew what it was going to entail and yet he still tensed up when something incredibly cold touched the skin at the top of his ass crack and kind of slowly dribbled down.
The sudden sound of hand meeting flesh was almost more shocking than the actual smack on his ass. Then she slapped the other ass-cheek just as hard and the sensation of incredible heat spread out. he felt the jolt of the impact in his balls and right there, was another thing he had never ima imagined. It made him arch his back a little, it made him want more.
She didn't giim time to think, or to ask, she just pushed inexorably into him whispering. "I'm using the small one, baby. You have to verk up the really big one." And dear God, if that was the small one ... But he took it, and he took it some more and he kept on taking it until he came without even touching his dick, and wasn't that a revelation.
Later when she sent him back to his own room, he lay on the bed aching and sore and kind of chafed, but in a good way. In an 'I had kinky sex with my kinky sexy German girlfriend and all I got was abused nipples and an ass I won't be able to sit on for a week' kind of way. But it made him wonder if they were using each other a little.
Lotte was obviously using him for the kinky sex. But he had the uncomfortable feeling he might be using her too.
Over the years Rodney had tried to have relationships. After Lorna he had tried to date other women with no success whatsoever. Mostly he refused to recognise he was no longer successful with women, after all he could have anyone he wanted those first two years in college and he hadn't changed, had he. He still got laid just not a frequently and not with anyone who wanted to stick around once the deed was done.
When he first started working at Area 51 he ended up in a kind of friends with benefits arrangement with a few of the women there. And while he would be the first to admit there was something to be said for being dragged into a storage cupboard and fucking like bunnies with an otherwise staid and proper chemical engineer called Eve. Or the ever so slightly scary Captain Marge Jennings, or even the weird metallurgist, who always insisted she kept her gloves on. Still it began to occur to him that none of those women wanted to spend any time with him apart from horizontal time.
It brought out the worst in him, even he could see that, and it eventually culminated in his humiliating experience with Sam Carter. He could never in a million years admit it to anyone else, and he covered it pretty damn well, but he knew that sometimes he was a bit of a jerk.
But ending up looking like a jerk and a second-rate physicist and being banished to Siberia as punishment was possibly more than he knew how to cope with. So somewhere in the back of his mind he had wondered, that first time with Lotte, if he was letting her do that stuff because in a way, it felt like punishment. He wondered if was some bizarre attempt to atone.
He even briefly wondered if all the ass sex might mean he was gay. But one look at Lotte, with her athletic, ninja-killer sexy body and her deep, lazy German voice and her refreshingly relaxed and European attitude to body hair and hello, nothing gay going on there at all.
Lotte never seemed to mind what Rodney's motives were so long as she got to have her kinky way with his ass.
Eventually it ended. Sergeant Schilling was posted to another secret installation in the eastern bloc and Rodney was returned to Area 51, when they finally admitted they couldn't manage without him. Rodney sometimes thought it was a shame he was never going to meet anyone he could show what he'd learned from his kinky German girlfriend about fucking like a guy.
The fifth reason Finally he met John.