Title: Do I have too...? (AKA I suck at titles...so uhh...this is it. :P)
Summary: "But of course...he wouldn't be Rodney Mckay if the universe didn't feel the need to shit on him. Honestly, some days he felt like the cosmic crapper, for all your shitty needs. And isn't that a happy though..."
Rating: R (Sorry, no explicit smut...)
To: You! Duh! XD Again, because three time's a charm, Merry Christmas Amothea!
Now, excuse me as I continue to be geeky and listen through the whole RENT soundtrack again! XD
Pairing: Mcshep, Mckay/Ronon, Mckay/Shep/Ronon
Do I have too...?
"Damn it!" Rodney muttered, "Fuckin' Kavanaugh, how hard could it possible be to rewire a transporter? A five year old could d-" a hand was covered his mouth, roughly jerking his body back into a solid chest. Hot breath panting into his hair...
"God, you smell so good!" Rodney squeaked as felt the other hand roam his body like a snake, slithering up and down, "Just sit and enjoy it, alright doc? I've been waiting for this for too goddamn long..."
'Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh fuckin' shit! ' And there was no way in hell was Rodney was going to let this guy do anything to him, not when John was just one short transport away. One hand muffling his yelps and (useless) threats, he felt the other goddamn hand hover over his groin and before Mckay could think about it, he bit the man's hand. The man yelped as instinctively jerked his whole body away, arms flailing everywhere... and the scientist was off.
'Just get to the transporter! Just get to John! Come on Rodney! ' And, much to Mckay's surprise, he actually made it. With trembling hands, he touched the transport pad, pleading under his breath, "C'mon! C'mon! Just take me to John!" but the transport didn't work.
And then he remembered.
He was interrupted in fixing Kavanaugh's mistake.
And right on cue, the man jumped him, knocking him to the floor, nose smooshed up against the unforgiving surface.
"L-listen, whatever you want! I'll give it to you, just-just please!" the man sneered, and unbuttoned Rodney's pants, pulling them down. The scientist whimpered as he heard the zipper behind him. In a last ditch effort, he screamed, body spazzing out as he bucked against his captor.
"For fuck's sake, somebody help me!" he screamed. Quickly, Rodney was silenced by the blow to his head and the hissed, "Shut up, bitch! You want me to tell everyone about you and the colonel? You know what that'll do to his career? Huh?" All the man got was another whimper, and he slammed Rodney's head against the floor. Finally, he saw who his attacker was.
"I-I know what it'll do..." Rodney shakily answered, wide blue eyes glued onto the man. That familiar face disfigured with a look of lust and-what?-hate...?
Well...it definitely wasn't love.
This...this wasn't even a damn mockery of love.
'And goddamn it, Mckay, you are not going to cry!'
"Is that what you want then? To ruin the colonel's career?"
"Then shut up and take it, whore!" The damned errant tears were mixing with the blood, and all Mckay could do was stare at the wall with blank eyes. Didn't he say he wasn't going to cry?
This wasn't happening.
The man wasn't pulling down his boxers...
He didn't feel the tip of a penis rubbing against his ass...
Nothing just entered him...
Nothing was thrusting against him...too hard...it hurt...John...
But most of all, Rodney Mckay wasn't getting raped. That didn't happen to people like him.
Rape only happened to the weak, the pitiful...the pathetic.
And then he was overwhelmed by darkness.
When he woke up, Rodney was alone in the hallway. The man had already left, redressed him, and cleaned the area. If someone had come by while Mckay was unconscious...they would just think he passed out.
Oh god...It was just a dream. A nightmare!
But...he gently touched the gash on his head.
Not a dream. Reality...
How could-how could he let this happen to him?
'Goddamn it, you're pathetic! Useless! Why didn't you do more to stop it? That's what John would've done... God, you...you little whore...' the tears started welling up again, but Rodney fiercely rubbed them away.
The blood had already caked around the wound; the bleeding had stopped a while ago. Then, slowly, the scientist left the hallway, ignoring the fact that...that he had to have walked through there just minutes before. Mechanically, Rodney headed past John's room and straight to his own...straight to the shower... right into the scalding hot water, and started scrubbing...
Until he had scrubbed his skin raw. The smell of shampoo and soap filled the small bathroom. The smells of a nice refreshing shower.
Funny though...Mckay still didn't feel clean. Skin red and raw, and somewhere...there was still dirt sticking to him. Putting new clothes on, intending to burn his old ones later, he fell onto his bed, and sat there. Dully staring ahead, until, finally, he reached under his bed for the spare first aid kit, because in Atlantis one never knew when or where someone would need medical attention fast, and took out the bandages. Staring at them uselessly, he sighed and forced himself to get in front of the mirror, pushing down the wave of disgust he felt as he looked at the ugly reflection glaring back, and mechanically bandaged his head like Carson taught him.
After that, Rodney went to bed...but never closed his eyes; just stared at the ceiling, and thought of a good story to tell John in the morning.
I didn't come by last night?
Sorry, didn't want to wake you up.
Oh you know...accidents.
Then he'd steer the conversation away from himself...and John would never know.
Yeah...that would work...
Over the past few days, Rodney did all in his power to avoid John. At first he thought he'd be able to deal with...everything, to just tell John his little story and move on with life. But then he woke up the next day, scrubbed his skin raw, again, in a meager attempt to feel some semblance of clean again...and realized it was useless. So he was going to go bury himself in his lab, and then he ran into John.
"Hey Rodney, work late again? I noticed you didn't drop-" he stopped, eyes immediately zeroing in on the bandage over his forehead, "what happened to your head? Are you alright?" Rodney opened his mouth to tell his story, but it went dry, and his thoughts scattered like frighten mice.
"Uhh...yeah, yeah...about that. I umm...accidents...in the lab," he let out a nervous laugh, "...Think I had a concussion or something last night...forgot to tell you about it...sorry."
"What? I'm not allowed to forget something every now and then?" he snapped. The colonel backed away with raised hands, a slightly worried look on his face.
"Well...you did get Carson to look at that, right?"
No. "Of course I did!"
"Alright...alright...so, why didn't you come by last night? You know I would've watched after you. I mean, aren't you not supposed to sleep with a, you know, concussion?"
"I...I forgot to come by last night, alright?" He gave a weak wave to the bandage over his head, "You know...concussion."
"Yeah, yeah...fine." Sheppard opened his mouth to say something, but the scientist cut in, "Listen, colonel, I need to work on some very important experiments, so if you don't mind?" John just gave him a blank stare, blinking in surprise at Mckay's flat, impersonal tone.
"Wait, Rodney, what the he-"
"Good bye, colonel." And with that, Rodney hurriedly pushed past him, and left the hallway, mentally berating himself.
'What the hell was that? Yes, yes...great job, Rodney. Just piss off the colonel and run! That's the way to make everything better! ' but he didn't turn around, didn't go back, and left the utterly confused colonel behind.
Rodney had been avoiding him ever since, and John hadn't really made much of an effort to go see him either.
So then, how exactly, did he end up running into Ronon? And when was it, exactly, that Ronon decided to make a move...on him! Ronon was making a move on him, Rodney Freakin' Mckay!
If everything wasn't so fucked up, he'd laugh at the absurdity of it all.
Nothing was making sense right now...
And all he could do was just gape at Ronon like he was nuts. And hell, the alien was chased by the wraith for years, the guy probably was a little nuts.
So the scientist did what every other sane person would do...
...he just kept on staring at the alien.
Now, Ronon wasn't exactly a people person, but even he could see the sudden rift between Mckay and Sheppard. Suddenly, the two were never together, the soldier had stopped hanging around the labs, and the scientist had stopped dropping by during those military drills. Unlike the rest of Atlantis, however, Ronon had a pretty good idea as to why the two were separated. He had inside information, after all.
They must've broken up, and that's why they were avoiding each other!
Which means Mckay isn't committed to anyone anymore! Ronon could finally get the scientist alone, in his bed...
So why then, exactly, was Mckay so pale?
"Rodney?" he frowned, "What, do you like it better when I call you Mckay?" he just kept on staring at Ronon, eyes wide and mouth agape.
'And oh, what delightful mouth he has...' Rodney mentally shook himself out of his thoughts, wisely choosing to ignore them.
Life was already freakin' complicated enough without a goddamned, cheesy, romance flick triangle. Belatedly, he realized Ronon was talking, and tuned him in.
"When you and Sheppard went out-" Mckay let out a high pitched, nervous laugh.
"When Sheppard and I went out? What are you talking about? And-and you did not just ask me out!" the scientist paused, staring at Ronon's blank face, and weakly whimpered, "...r-right?"
"I'm not stupid," He winced at Ronon's growl, "I know you and Sheppard had a relationship, doctor. And I know you two broke up!"
"So-so you did just ask me out?"
"Oh..." Rodney nervously twiddled his thumbs, avoiding Ronon's gaze, "Huh...That's...umm... i-interesting..." his brows furrowed together in puzzlement, totally confused, "didn't know you felt that way..."
"So you're not interested then?" he flinched at Ronon's tone, but kept on staring at the floor, "Or are you just not over the colonel?" Rodney kept quiet, wondering why the hell his mouth wouldn't hurry up and just say no and end this whole damn fiasco. A hand grabbed his jaw, forcing him to look up into some really green eyes, wild and lush...like a forest. Eyes like a forest.
...Well that just sounded weird. Weird and queer.
'God, I'm trying to be poetic now. Too much freakin' stress in my life right now! Jesus...can't I have a calm day just once! And why the hell is he looking at me like that? Oh god, I need to get this barbarian off of me and call John. I'm so freakin' screwed right now, how many people are watching us!' Rodney took a not-so-subtle glance around the empty hallway. Key word there being empty, 'Okay, no one here. Can't scream for help...great. But Ronon's not like that, right? He wouldn't-' Nervous blue eyes nervously flitted to wild green, and then they whipped back down, staring at the floor, 'Then again...'
"Mckay," the grumbling voice shook him out of his thoughts, "Forget about the stupid colonel. If he left you, it's his loss..." the big man grinned, canines looking more...well, feral then before. "...and my gain. I can make your face flush with excitement while I-" he slowly leaned in for a kiss, but the scientist yelped and jumped back, looking at the big man like a scared rabbit.
"No! No...no...don't get me wrong, Ronon. I like you! Really, I do!" the man grinned, but Rodney kept babbling on, "But it's just-"
"You still love the colonel, or some other stupid Earth excuse?" he drawled, and it looked like Ronon's confidence was back. Before Mckay could react, he felt tough lips against his own, strong arms pushing him against a hard, solid chest. Letting out a squeak, he attempted to pull back, memories bubbling up into the surface:
Rough hands pushing him down...
"No! Stop it, please!" the man sneered, Rodney winced.
The blunt head penetrating him...
"I'll do anything! Anything you want! Just stop it, for gods sake, stop it!" forcing down the wave of sobs, not wanting to let this man see him fuckin' cry like a little girl...but still...a few tears escaped...
But before Rodney could react, before he could shove Ronon away and run like hell into the safety of his lab...or his room...he felt the big man jerk back, and a hand push against his chest, shoving him onto the wall.
"What the hell is going on here?" John growled, glaring between the two, arms outstretched and separating the two "lovebirds". Ronon just looked smug, Rodney was close to hyperventilating.
Unfortunately for him, both the alien and the colonel were to busy growling at each other to notice him.
"Colonel Sheppard, what do you think was going on here?"
"I think you were kissing my scientist!" he hissed, both fists clenched together, shaking in barely concealed rage. If Mckay were still in his right mind, he'd be trying to stop a possible all out brawl between them...but right now, they could have found a ZPM and he wouldn't have even twitched.
The good doctor was still stuck in his memories; the sick, vivid images rising up to the surface. His thoughts were reduced to nothing more than frantic, mental stammerings of:
Ronon sneered at the colonel.
"S'not my fault you didn't make him happy, but don't worry!" He leaned into John's space, nose to nose, a smug grin on the alien's face, "I'll satisfy him now. So you can leave, Sheppard." John glared at Ronon, nostrils flaring as he growled at Rodney, without making any eye contact with the scientist,
"What the hell is going on here, Doctor Mckay?" The scientist kept quiet, trying to keep himself under control.
Slimy tongue leaving a cold trail of taint behind...
Fingers pressing hard against his sides...too hard...
Heavy body on his, crushing him into the floor...it was so hard to breathe...
'It's over! It's over, goddamn it! Don't fall apart, just breathe! Goddamn it!'
"Mckay!" John barked.
"He doesn't have to answer to you, Colonel!" Sheppard and Ronon went on snarling at each other like two overprotective dogs fighting over a piece of meat, completely oblivious to the shaking scientist beside them...lost in the background.
'A piece of meat? ' Rodney forced himself to calm down, mentally berating himself on his lack of control, 'A piece of meat...is that all I am? Is that all I'm worth, really? ' His mind was silent, a rarity for someone like Dr. Mckay, self proclaimed genius of the universe...but then he realized just what he was thinking! What he was actually considering! 'A piece of meat, is that all I am? God no! I'm freakin' Dr. Rodney Mckay, the goddamned Wraith wish they could be me! Yeah!' and damned if he was just going to stand there like some damsel in distress, trying to hide his freak out, just because two Neanderthals had possessive issues. Ooooh no! Rodney Mckay had better things to think about, no time to dawdle on his love life. If Sheppard felt lost on the wind, fine! He could consider himself lost! If Ronon thought that Rodney should be madly in love with him...then...well...he could jump off a bridge! There were other things to think about...like...like the Wraith! And Atlantis's power problem! Sure it wasn't as bad as say...six months ago, what with the new ZPM and all, but hell! That lone ZPM wasn't going to last forever! And...and...other stuff! Other very important stuff that couldn't be left alone! And hey, as the smartest man in the universe...he was allowed to freak out in private for five minutes, right? After that...he had life altering problems to tackle!
....Right! Damn right!
Taking a deep breath, and putting on his best (AKA worst) glare, he stared down the two bickering men, and quietly hissed, "John...Ronon!" but the two went on, ignoring the on edge scientist.
Of course, Dr. Rodney Mckay wasn't one to be ignored for long.
Especially not now...
"Both of you, shut it!" the two went dead silent, John having the grace to wince at the withering expression on his lover's face.
"I've had it up to here-" he jerked his hands into the air, "with both of your stupid insecure macho crap, got it? You-"he jabbed his finger into John's chest, "I just need some time alone, okay? Think you can handle that, or is it too difficult for you?" Confused as hell, John just silently nodded, watching as Rodney went off. The scientist whirled on the bewildered Ronon next, "And you! God, you! Listen, John and I haven't broken up, I'm just ignoring him right now. That's all! And the next time you get it in your thick skull to shove your tongue down my throat without my say so, I'll...I dunno'! But it'll be painful! And there just might be death involved!" and with that, Rodney stalked off, leaving the two stunned men behind. Slowly, John turned to Ronon.
"...What just happened?" the alien just shook his head and shrugged, "Rod-" Sheppard growled again, "Mckay seemed pissed about something." Silence, then, "What'd you do?"
"Me?" Sheppard seemed absolutely appalled, "What did I do? What did you do! He blew up when you molested him!"
"I was not! He didn't say 'no'! Besides, I'm not the one he was 'ignoring'" Ronon made little air quotations. John scowled, mentally cursing whoever the hell taught the big man the concept of air quotations.
"Well I didn't do anything...and you didn't do anything, or so you claim..." he ignored the look Ronon was giving him, "So what the hell's wrong with him?" a baffled silence enveloped the two, and then the light bulb struck.
"Why don't we ask him?" Admittedly, it was a dim light bulb. But still...at least it was something. The two men went off to track down their errant scientist, a sudden truce between them. An unspoken, temporary, and very fragile truce, but a truce nonetheless.
"Jesus, what's wrong with those two? Bunch of over possessive apes..." Rodney muttered as he stalked the halls, glaring at anyone who dared to just glance at him, "Is it really so hard to just leave me alone? I'm doing my work, I'm saving Atlantis! What more do they want? I'm doing the best I can, and all I'm asking in return is a little time alone! Is that so hard? I mean, really, is it?" finally, he retreated to his room, willing the door shut and collapsing onto his bed, a far away look on his face.
"Great...Now what?" he muttered to himself. Letting out a weary sigh, he clasped his head in his hands, gritting his teeth together with frustration.
What now? What was he going to do?
John thought he was cheating on him!
Ronon just hit on him, and was no doubt pissed that Rodney led him on...somehow, because why else would the big man have made his move if he didn't think Rodney encouraged it?
Not that the move was all that unpleasant but-
'Jesus Christ, what are you thinking?! Not only did you cheat, but you enjoyed it?'
'Just...a little. Would've been better without the memories.' Is it weird when someone answers their own thoughts?
Normally, yes. But Rodney'd like to see the normal guy who lived in the Pegasus galaxy.
'That guy probably got eaten by the Wraith...' and wow, that was an unpleasant thought. Shuddering, wondering just when the hell he got so morbid, his thoughts turned back to his little problem:
John thought he was cheating on him, which was warranted, while Ronon hit on him and kissed him...which wasn't as unpleasant as it should have been. Morally, the whole thing was disgusting; mentally: same thing, disgusting, but physically...well...it made the moral part that much worse.
And now the two macho-testosterone-full, too-goddamned-hot-for-their-own-good men were probably too angry at either him or each other for any attempt at civil conversation. And then another thought him:
Would Sheppard kick Ronon off his team? Would he kick Rodney off? Would he kick both of them off? Or would he just leave, too pissed at Rodney to stand being on the same team, to give up something he loved just to get away from the scientist.
'Just to get away from me!' he felt the migraine coming, but he ignored it, 'God...I really screwed things up this time. What the hell, Mckay? Come on...you're the fuckin' genius...fix everything!' but his brain was blank, and Rodney wasn't sure if he should be grateful or disappointed.
Of course, there was the other thing that started all of this...but...well...he'd rather not think about that. Of course, his brain was running in overdrive with...with the...
...Even with all of his bumbling attempts to push the memories and the sensations away... he could still feel those hands on him, that slimy tongue, those bruising lips, the oily skin rubbing against his, the sticky cum in his ass, leaking out, the pain, the humiliation, the pure torture as every second went on and on like a damned broken record.
He could recall everything in such vivid detail, and it was times like these that Rodney Mckay wished he was just some damn ingrate rather than the smartest man in the universe, complete with a photographic memory.
Why couldn't he be one of those idiots that forgot really traumatizing events? Wouldn't that just make everything so much easier?
If he forgot, he'd be able to face John, he wouldn't have led Ronon on, and the two Neanderthals (albeit...one big, Jamaican lookin' Neanderthal and one loveable Neanderthal with freakish hair) wouldn't be having a pissing contest in the middle of some hallway.
But of course...he wouldn't be Rodney Mckay if the universe didn't feel the need to shit on him. Honestly, some days he felt like the cosmic crapper, for all your shitty needs.
And isn't that a happy thought...
Sighing, he raked his hand through his hair, making it stick up. He glowered at the floor, like it would make all of his problems just...disappear.
And how melodramatic was that?
'Jesus Mckay, are you really just going to sit here and mope like the rest of the simpletons? You're better than them! You're the genius, you're the one that has to make sure everything runs smoothly. Atlantis needs you to keep it going! You have to be strong, just forget the rest! Atlantis is your only worry, just Atlantis. Nothing else.' Nodding, he stood up, pulled himself together, and headed towards the labs.
It was all about keeping Atlantis alive, and nothing else.
Nothing else mattered...
Not even Rodney Mckay himself.
He was the poor mouse cornered by two very dangerous cats, one with the knowledge of how to kill him with bare hands eighty different ways, and the other with the experience of killing a guy with bare hands eighty different ways. Either way, there was no way in hell this mouse was going to live without appeasing the cats. Of course, if he did that...the big mouthy cat would tear him a new one for two years straight. No exaggeration.
So...death by bare hands in a variety of eighty ways (is that possible?) or to be bitched at for only god knows how long?
"Major! Ronon! I swear, Rodney isn't here! Threaten me all you want!" Zelenka uneasily eyed Ronon, "But Rodney still won't be here!" John carefully placed himself between the flustered scientist and the big, growling alien.
It was time to play "good cop".
"Alright...alright, we got it. Rodney's not in the labs...you know where he is?"
"No!" Zelenka quickly replied. John raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"Come on! We'll be outta' your way once we know!"
"No!" Okay, "good cop" can go die now. Completely useless persona...
"Then how do you keep in contact with him incase some science catastrophe happens? Do you just will him here?" Both men watched in amusement as Zelenka opened and closed his mouth, like a fish. Eyes owlishly looking at them with a faint sense of desperation.
"Dr. Z... now's not the time to play around. Where's Mckay?" he scowled at them, and then muttered something in Czech.
"In his room. Studying semantics, complained it was too loud in labs." It took all the will power in the world for him not to cringe under Ronon's glare.
"We just came from there. Try again." The big alien fingered the giant gutting blade in his belt. Zelenka almost fainted right then and there.
"I do not know!" he suppressed his squeak as both Ronon and Sheppard started giving him death looks, "He said I tell where he is, he'll make my life hell. This is Rodney Mckay, here! He can make my life hell! He's like Satan! He-he came in, could not concentrate, then left lab. Said he'd be back later. Go find him yourself. I rather be dead then have Mckay out to get me." John smiled sweetly, and drawled,
"See? That wasn't so hard. Thanks, Dr. Z." Zelenka watched Sheppard grabbed the hulk-err...Ronon's arm and dragged him down the hallway.
Did he want to know what that was all about?
He thought for a moment, and then shook his head.
The scientist went back to his work, mentally bracing himself for an eternity of screamed, "Zenkie! Get over here!" or, "Czech guy! Come here and be half useful!" Somehow, he doubted Mckay would like the fact he told those two anything.
Just a hunch.
Once the two men exited the lab, Ronon jerked out of Sheppard's grasp, stepped in front of the colonel's path, and glared at him. John just kept on smiling.
"What the hell are you so happy about? Mckay's not in the labs, or his room. We don't know where he is!" the colonel was still grinning, and Ronon narrowed his eyes, "Do we?"
"I do, because I know Rodney better than you. Which is why you don't stand a chance with him. Not while I'm here, anyway."
"I'm not the one he was avoiding, now am I? Obviously you did something to piss him off, colonel. What'd you do?" the smile was gone, replaced with a scowl.
"I didn't do anything! I think he just got into one of his moods, or something. But!" he jabbed the alien's chest, "I know, whatever it is, I didn't do it this time!" They both stopped sniping at each other, noticing the looks and the not-so-subtle attempts at eavesdropping. Looking around, John grabbed Ronon, again, and dragged him, again, into an empty room, willing the door shut. People just stared at the closed doors, idly wondering what the hell was going on, and why a big guy like Ronon let himself be led around by someone as small as...well...Sheppard. But, like all things, the curiosity passed and the nosey people of Atlantis moved on.
"Okay, this is how it goes. You got the wrong signals, I get that. Really, I do." John held up a finger, the universal signal for shut up, "But the misguided notion that Rodney would leave me foryou? That's just stupid. He barely knows you! I've known Rodney for about two years now! We've been stuck in life and death situations together, I've saved his life, he's saved mine! You can't possible say that yet, Ronon. And I feel sorry for you, I really do, but Rodney and I..." John shrugged, "we're meant to be. Sappy as it is, I know. But that's the way it is. So...truce?" Sheppard held out his hand, Ronon just stared at it.
"If you're so meant to be...then why is he avoiding you?" John opened his mouth, to come up with some snappy remark that would've explained it all...when he realized that...well...damn. Why was Rodney avoiding him? Ronon looked smug, "Meant to be? I don't think so, colonel. He's attracted to me, you know. I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think I stood a chance." Sheppard gave him a dirty look.
"Well, you don't stand a chance. So please, stop with the bothering thing. You're just wasting your time. So leave, and I'll go find Rodney and I'll figure out what's wrong. You can just rot for all I care right now, okay?"
"I'm not leaving."
"Yes, you are." Ronon's hand went to his blade.
"No, I'm not." John warily eyed the blade, his body tense and ready to spring if the need arose. He pursed his lips, absently drumming his fingers against his thigh.
"Okay...how about this? We get Rodney to decide."
"After we find out what's wrong."
"Right." The two stood there in an awkward silence, before Sheppard muttered another, "Right..." and left the room, Ronon trailing after him.
It was time to find Rodney.
Rodney just sat there, in the middle of the abandoned lab. Why was it abandoned?
He had no idea, but he wasn't dead yet. So it was safe enough.
Sighing, his head fell into his hands.
'My concentration's shot to hell thanks to life! Doesn't life realize I have very important work to do and I really don't need it to screw me over right now!' But of course, god forbid anything useful happen during a crisis, right?
You'd think it'd all be simple... Ignore that night, tell Ronon to back off, and apologize to John. Easy as pie. But...
But even when he was freaking out about Ronon kissing him...he had felt safe during those seconds. And that was a great feeling. Quite frankly, Mckay wasn't sure he could say no to that, but he loved John. There was no way he could leave him! Not without being miserable. And if you're miserable, what's the point of feeling safe? But...how can a person be happy, if they never feel totally...protected.
He loved John...but John didn't help him then. So he couldn't feel totally protected around John. And yes, Rodney was well aware of how utterly ridiculous and unfair that was to his lover...but...but damnit, that was how he felt! He couldn't change that! He couldn't!
The scientist let out a groan.
So what the hell was he supposed to do now?
"Rodney?" he jumped, hand reflexively going to the pistol at his side, and then he noticed the worried looks of both John and Ronon. He resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall. Too much brain damage involved.
'Great...' he scowled at the two men, 'both of them...' John stepped forward, ignoring his lover's patent "I hope you die now go away" look.
"Nothing." The scientist jerked his head towards Ronon, "What's he doing here? I thought you two hated each other now."
"We don't hate each other, per say, but...well...that's beside the point. Something's wrong, Rodney. What is it?" John cracked a weak smile, "What'd I do now?" Mckay jumped to his feet, nervously pacing the room, eyes glued the floor.
"Nothing! You did absolutely nothing!" it wasn't a lie, "So just..." he made a rough, violent, shooing motion, "Go! Both of you! Let me have some time alone to think, alright? I have bigger things to worry about that have absolutely nothing to do with you two morons!"
"I said go!" the two got into a standoff, one glaring fiercely, the other one just trying to understand what was happening...and then the third party jumped in.
"Mckay, what the hell is your problem? Tell us so we can fix it and you can choose which of us you like best." John whirled around to face Ronon, an absolutely amazed and slightly horrified look on his face.
"Ronon!" Sheppard hissed, "You don't tell him about that second part now!" The big alien didn't seem the least bit bothered...well, he wasn't until Rodney blew up, anyway.
"Are you telling me you two turned my problem into another one of your pissing contests? What the hell is wrong with you two? I mean-" the scientist started to flail his arms around, looking both incredulous and amazingly angry, "Are you kidding me?" This wasn't happening, "You have got to be- I mean- Jesus Christ you two are the most insensitive, dumbest, most idiotic ingrates I have ever had the absolute horror of meeting!" John cared about him more than that, right? "I just can't..." He shook his head, and started to stalk out of the room.
Rodney was running again. And Ronon wasn't going to let that happen twice. He grabbed the scientist's arm to stop him from going. And then the scientist did something that none of the men expected. Not John, not Ronon, not even Rodney himself.
With a strangled cry, he shoved Ronon off of him, and backed himself into a corner, the door forgotten. His body was cowering in the shadows, frantically covering his face. Muttering under his breath, "Goddamn it, don't touch me! Don't touch me! For god's sake, don't fucking touch me!" Ronon quickly backed up, while John just kept watching, a blank on his face. Rodney just shook there, practically hyperventilating and-
'My blood pressure is probably way too high right now! Come on...calm down. Goddamn it, you did not just freak out in front of John and Ronon! Jesus, they probably think you're a bumbling psycho, why are they even still here? Shouldn't they be reporting me to Heightmeyer? Hey doctor, Mckay's nuts? He's finally snapped! Gone loco! He's insane! Mad I tell you, mad!' he let out hysteric giggle, Ronon back up even more, John headed over to his lover, 'Oh god...They're probably not going to let me out on anymore away missions. Which means I'll be stuck in Atlantis more. Which means I'll be in my lab all day, surrounding by those bumbling idiots. Which means I'll be even easier to find then before. Which means he can find without breaking a sweat and ohmanohmanohman-' Strong arms encompassed him, a nose was nuzzling his ear, and a soft, soothing voice was whispering something in his ear.
"It's alright, Rodney. Calm down...calm down. He's not here."
'He's not here? ' Slowly, Rodney lifted his head up, looking at the colonel with a mix of abject horror and awe.
"I've been in the ops, remember? I've had friends that were POWs for a week before we got them out. Terrorists did more than beat people for torture. I've seen the signs enough times. I've seen enough breakdowns." The arms around him tightened, trying to give him strength, peace of mind, "What happened? When did..." Rodney kept quiet, looking at the floor again, "If you're not ready to tell, it's okay. I understand. I won't go to Heightmeyer or anything, but Rodney" he cupped the scientist's face, "You have to tell, or it'll build up and no one could get through that by themselves, okay? No one. Not even me, Lizzie, Teyla, or hell, even Ronon."
That's right. The scientist looked up at the tall, silent man, and vaguely he thought, 'Why are all the male aliens in the Stargate program big, silent, and/or freakishly strong? '
Swallowing the urge to kick Ronon out, because, judging by the look on the big guy's face, kicking Ronon out now would mean he'd probably go on some killing rampage. And how does one explain that to Elizabeth?
Oops, all my fault, but can't tell ya' how!
Yeah, that'd go over great.
Forcing his thoughts back on track, he turned back to John and nervously raked his hand through his hair.
"It's...it's like this. I was working late on one of the transporters that that ape Kavanaugh broke," and even then, Rodney didn't bother to hide his contempt for the man, but then his arrogant voice faltered, "then...he came out of nowhere and...and he..." Rodney stopped, shuddering. He could still feel those phantom fingers on him, that damn laugh, that damn sneer. That taunting voice, mocking him and belittling him. John hugged him tighter, fists clenched together. Ronon let out a low growl, possessively looking at Mckay.
"Who was it?" he snarled, "Who touched you? I'll kill the bastard! I'll skin him alive and-" Rodney jumped out of John's embrace, his arms wildly flailing as he exclaimed, "No!" and then he calmed down, shoulders slumping down, hands hanging limply at his side, "No...I don't want any skinning or scalping or whatever it is you cavemen do, okay? I can take care of myself. Now I'm ready for him."
"Who?" John quietly asked. Cold, deadly eyes glued to the closed door, "Who do you need to be ready for?"
"I'm not telling because I have a funny hunch that guns and freakishly big knives are going to be involved, and that's all unnecessary." Those deadly eyes turned to him, piercing into him, making him tense.
"You have to tell us who, Rodney! This isn't a game!"
"You think I don't know that?!" the colonel got up, stalking over to the scientist. Ronon unconsciously hovered around the scientist, prepared to protect him from the cold, special ops trained killer.
"Rodney! This guy fucking violated you! Are you seriously just going to let him get away with this? You can't! If you let him go scot-free, he's just going to come back for more! This wasn't some goddamned torture technique, this was a sick fuck who took from you!"
"I know!" Mckay exploded, "I realize that, colonel, but I don't need the both of you to watch over me, okay? I can take care of myself!"
"No one can protect themselves fully without the help of someone or something else, Mckay. Let us help you." Ronon growled. Flinty eyes turned to him, electric blue narrowed with barely contained annoyance and...something else. Something more desperate. More hidden. But it was there: fear. Panic.
"Why? So you can get into my pants too?" he sneered, "And colonel, don't you dare tell me how to handle my problems! If I took a page out of your book I'd be some mindless military jackass that pretends to be stupid just to fit in!"
"I'm not the one making out with the first guy I see!"
"Ooooh please!" he thrust his finger to point at Ronon, his hand shaking with barely concealed rage, "He kissed me, you hypocritical moron! I'm not the one who hits on strange priestesses on strange planets in a strange fucking galaxy just to prove to my men that I'm not gay. But guess what?" he violently jabbed his finger against his chest, "I'm a guy! And you're a guy! So that means...what kids? Oh! I know! You're not exactly straight!"
"That was last year!"
"You still hit on random ass girls, colonel! I'm not blind! Besides, why the hell should I entrust my protection to you? I don't feel safe around you! I feel safer with Tarzan over there! You weren't there when-when...you weren't there! Where the fuck were you? I screamed for you..." the cold eyes softened, John's mouth in the shape of a stricken O. And like Rodney said, he wasn't blind. And the guilt and the pain and "oh fuck, why wasn't I there?" in the colonel's eyes...even Rodney couldn't miss that. Hesitantly, he reached out to touch John, but the man backed away, "John..."
"...I gotta' go." And he left, leaving a miserable scientist behind. Ronon hesitantly put his arm around the defeated man. Rodney didn't fight it.
"Go find John, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." He looked up at Ronon, the pain on his face, "Please."
"...Yeah, alright." He turned to leave the room, and stopped right at the doorway. Face set in stone, Ronon quietly muttered, "I want more than to just get into your pants, Rodney." And he left. Rodney squeezed his eyes shut, banging his head against the wall.
Fuck lost brain cells, fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone, fuck the whole goddamned world.
Why can't anything be simple?
John Sheppard stalked through the halls like man hell bent on a mission. Then again...he was a man hell bent on a mission! He was gonna' find that bastard even if it meant going through every goddamned security log on every part of the city with a transporter. He wouldn't stop until he found him. The guy who did this to his lover!
'The man I couldn't protect Rodney from...' gritting his teeth, he made it to the labs and grabbed Zelenka by the shirt, causing the smaller man to squeak.
"You found Rodney, yes? If not, nothing I can do! Nothing! I do not know where-"
"What transporter did Kavanaugh fuck up?" the said scientist looked up from his work with dignified, "hey!" but any protest he had died a quick death when he saw the glare aimed his way. Muttering an excuse, the man quickly left the lab, and John turned back to the terrified Zelenka.
"I-I do not know! He not fix a lot of transporters! Mckay said he was not allowed to."
"Well what transporter did Mckay fix last?"
"Uhh...there was the one down on the East pier..."
"I-I do not remember!"
"Uhh...last week, I think."
"A week ago?"
A week...that was around time the time Rodney started to avoid him. When he got that gash. Good. A timeline then.
"Where he was fixing the transporter, was it a heavy populated area?"
"N-no. I don't think so, anyways. I think it was one of our not completely explored areas."
"Get me the security logs for that area during all of last week."
"What? Do you realize-"
"Do it." Another squeak escaped his lips as he saw the blade Ronon was holding.
"O-okay. No problem...just-just let me go." John dropped him, and Zelenka scrambled to get the logs. Without glancing back, John growled.
"What are you doing here? You should be watching over Rodney!"
"He told me to make sure you didn't do anything stupid." John just stood there, clenching his fists, nails digging into his palms.
"You should be there watching over him."
"You don't know that!" John exclaimed. The two men glared at all the scientists who were dumb enough to stop and stare at them. Zelenka shakily gave them a copy of the logs.
Ronon grabbed the papers out of the scientist's hand and the two wordlessly left the lab.
"Dr. Zelenka...should we tell Dr. Weir about-"
"No...no. I wish to live." He glanced back at the other science geek, "Go back to work. I'd rather not have Mckay come in and scream at us for being lazy."
Ducking into an empty hallway, the two men huddled over the papers. John grabbed them out of Ronon's hands and skimmed through, flipping pages as he went until, finally, his eyes rested on a certain name.
1:23AM Dr. Rodney Mckay- East Pier.
And then, slowly, his eyes slid to the name under Rodney's.
1:36AM Lieutenant Eugene Bates- East Pier.
1:58AM Lieutenant Eugene Bates- leaving East Pier.
2:24AM Dr. Rodney Mckay- leaving East Pier.
An icy feeling seeped through John's veins. Not anger, not a burning need for vengeance just...a bloodlust. A bloodlust for one Lieutenant Eugene fucking Bates. Crumbling up the paper, dropping it to the floor, John headed to the training room. Ronon was close on his heels, silent and dangerous.
His thoughts were running: Why didn't he see this? It was Bates, for god's sake! He worked with the man everyday! So did Rodney! How did he not see this? How could the hell could he miss it?
'Should've predicted it, I should've had a gut feeling, a premonition, something! Something to just...give me a-"
"There he is." Ronon's voice, gravelly and subdued with a threatening undertone. Deadly. Death on legs.
But before Ronon could slit the bastard's throat, reach for his knife and pounce, John was already there...slipping a casual arm around Bates shoulders. All cheery grins and fake laughter.
"Bates! We need to talk about the new training regiment." He gestured to the hallway, where Ronon was waiting, "With me, Lieutenant."
"Uhh..." the man snapped to attention, "Yes sir!"
Sheppard humming a little tune to himself, Ronon following from behind, making sure Bates couldn't run, they made it to an empty room. Bates looked around, eyebrows furrowed and mouth pinched with confusion.
"Sir, what are we doing here? Shouldn't we be in the debriefing room?" And the smiles were gone, the laughter dissipated, the humming dead and in its grave.
"No. See Bates, you should be floating in space with no air and dead! Ejected out of the Stargate like space trash! Because that's all you are, Lieutenant. Trash."
"Sir, what are-" Ronon was in his face, knife against his neck. Cool blade resting comfortably against his Adam's apple.
"We know what you did, soldier."
"With Rodney, Bates. We know what you did to Rodney!" The two watched with a sick smug satisfaction as Bates went pale, but then he just scowled. As if the thought sickened him.
"To Dr. Mckay, sir? Do you know what he is? He's a fag!"
"So you just rape a fag, Lieutenant? That's your solution? Hey I don't like him, think I'll rape him!" John punched him in the jaw, boot hovering over his balls.
"Hey Ronon, I don't think he needs this." He stomped on his groin. Bates howled and curled up, glaring at his superior, "Why don't you just cut it off? Oh wait...no...why don't we follow Bates's logic? Let's just rape him, let him see how it feels!" the glare was gone, replaced by a look of absolute horror and shock. Ronon looked down on the fallen soldier, spitting on him with disgust.
"He's not worth it." The grip on his blade tightened, the sharp edge glinting in the dim light, "I liked your original plan better. Let's cut it off." He sauntered over to the curled up, pitiful excuse of a man, a smirk on his face.
"Please, Sir...whatever it is, I'm sorry!" John held out his hand, a silent command for Ronon to stop. He stared at Bates in disbelief.
"For whatever it is? You fucking raped a man, Bates!"
"A fag, sir! I was showing him how wrong it was!"
"No, Lieutenant. You were violating an innocent man, and so help me God, if I hear you say 'fag' one more time I'm just going to shoot you, got it? Rodney is my friend. No, you know what? Rodney's my lover. He's mine," he ignored Ronon's look, "and I'll be damned if you get away for hurting him!"
"John! What the hell are you two doing?" all three men turned to Rodney in shock. His frame outlined by the door frame, pale face slick with sweat, left hand clenching a bundle of rope, right hand holding a life signs detector, eyes wide with horror in their depths.
Glancing down at Bates, he bit his tongue, and then went over and calmly tied up the man. He flinched as Bates's hand grabbed his arm, but he swatted it away and quickly tied his hands up, and used the remaining rope to gag him. John and Ronon stared at Mckay in shock.
"Rodney..." Standing up, Rodney turned to the men, his lips pressed so tight together his mouth was nothing but a fine line. Anger radiated off his body in waves.
"Don't you 'Rodney' me!" He turned away from John and zeroed in on Ronon, "What did I say? Go help Colonel Sheppard make an ass out of himself? This is the kind of stupid I was talking about! Listen, both of you, I said I could handle it myself! I am not a damsel in distress! I am not some weakling! I do not need your protection! And most of all, I am not some goddamned victim! I'm Dr. Rodney Fucking Mckay, the smartest man in the universe! I am a genius! And real geniuses don't become victims of anything except jealousy from the idiots of the world! That's it! Okay? I can take care of myself! And I'd appreciate it if you didn't treat me like some china glass doll! Shit happened, I'll get over it. And colonel, I'll be honest with you, I'd rather not have to get through this alone, but I will if all you'll do is treat me like I'm going to break. Because I'm not. If I was, I'd already be broken."
"...But you don't feel safe with me. You said so yourself."
"I know, but come on, John! I thought you were smart too! It's just..." he paused, struggling to get his thoughts together, "it's one of those weird little human things, you know? There's not a damn thing you could've done, but...we'll get past it. Because I know you'd never let anything happen to me if you could stop it. Hell, even if you couldn't...you'd try. And that makes you both nauseatingly sweet and really moronic, you stupid jarhead."
"Jarheads are marines, I'm air force."
"Whatever!" John kept quiet, and then he gestured to Ronon.
"Why don't you go to Ronon? You feel safe around him, right? Don't you wanna' feel safe?" Rodney rolled his eyes.
"Of course I wanna' feel safe!" he snapped, "Who doesn't!" his voice softened, his tone more gentle, "Listen, I've asked myself the same thing. Over and over. And I keep coming up with one answer, and if I come up with one answer, then it must be true. And it's this: What's the point of feeling safe...if you're not happy? If you're not with the one you love? I'd rather feel loved than safe."
"...What if you could have both?" Rodney stared at John for a moment, before he shook his head.
"We've been over this, John. I already can have both, sooner or later, I'll feel safe around you."
"...No you won't, Rodney. It's-it's one of those things that doesn't change. That feeling sticks with you forever. You'll never feel totally...protected with me. But...you can with Ronon."
"Again! I'm not leaving you for Ronon!" he turned to the big man, "No offense, of course." All the scientist got was a disgruntled grunt.
"No!" he paused, "I mean, I know you won't...it's just...he is really protective of you, like I am. And...we both have...strong feelings for you, and no matter how many times you deny it Rodney...you're attracted to the both of us. So..." he shrugged, "Why not have both of us? Everybody would be happier, right?" Rodney stared at his lover like he was nuts.
"A threesome? A threesome? Is that what you're proposing here?"
"...Well..." another shrug, "Yeah."
"I'm not opposed to it." Ronon quipped. The two men whirled to face Ronon, John with a slightly relieved looked, Rodney with a "you are all fucking nuts!" look.
"Are you kidding me? No! That's just too-" he rapidly shook his head, "No!"
"Too what? Too weird? Rodney, take a look around. We're living on a floating city created by people thousands of years ago, and we're fighting man eating aliens who look like overgrown smurfs with dreadlocks. I think it's safe to say weird is okay. I mean...it would make you happier, right? No more worrying about letting Ronon down, because you would've obviously chosen me," John ignored the two sets of glares he was getting, "And you'd feel loved...and safe. Hell, you'd be...doubley loved."
"Doubley? John, are you getting stupider?" the scientist grimaced. No matter who you are, purposeful or not, one always sounds dumb when they say "stupider". And just sounding dumb left a bad taste in his mouth. How did Kavanaugh stand it?
John rolled his eyes at the scientist's remark.
"Shut up. It got the point across. I mean, you are convinced, right?" John winced right as the words left his mouth. Judging by Rodney's look: No.
It was Ronon to the rescue.
"Listen, Doctor, how about this? You try it for a month. If it doesn't work, you can choose which one of us you want. And the other will back down, no hard feelings. All we want is for you to be happy. Right, Colonel?" John nodded, and both men turned to Rodney. The scientist stared back at them, like he was still trying to figure out if the wraith created some kind of mind control device, before he just shook his head and started to laugh.
"God, we're a piece of work, huh? He gestured to the bound and gagged man on the floor, the bound and gagged man who was snarling at them, "we just had a sappy and life altering conversation in front of the guy who -the scientist had to force himself to keep calm, to not to let the fear show through- started it all, for lack of a better term. Ironic, right?" Rodney kicked Bates in the stomach, effectively knocking him out with a grunted, "oof!". Sighing, he airily looked up to the ceiling, "Fine. I'll give it a month, but if it gets too weird...God help me, I'll...do something, and it will involve pain and smiting." He looked back down at the unconscious man at his feet, and the memories didn't seem quite as daunting.
"Mckay, you alright?" Ronon asked, hesitantly putting his arm around the scientist's shoulders, testing his new liberties.
"Yeah...yeah, I'll be fine. You know...I mean, I hope you both realize it isn't all going to be puppies and kittens from here on out. I'm still going to have nightmares, and uh..." he lifted Ronon's arm off of his shoulders, "I may not be all that touchy feely for a while, but...it's better. And you know, billions of nightmares and one therapy session later, and I draw the line at two, it'll be...okay. I guess. Well, I mean...it'll have to be okay because we all know that Atlantis would sink without me being here. I mean, I can't leave you people alone for a minute without something going wrong. Honestly, you're all like a bunch of five year olds going, "Mommy! Mommy! I broke the head off of my Barbie or my GI Joe! Fix it!" Except instead of dolls I get naquada generators and missile launchers and, god forbid, puddle jumpers! You people couldn't survive without me. I'm as necessary as food. No...I'm as necessary as air." Ronon just raised an eyebrow with an expression that just said, "Okay...", while John was grinning like madman.
His scientist- he looked over at Ronon- No, their scientist, was going to be alright for now. He cast a disdainful glance to the man on the ground, Bates was another story. This guy would spill everything, which meant that their relationship would be "outed", but- he looked at the still bragging Rodney, and at Ronon as he just kept on nodding with the scientist- they'd get through it. One way or another, as long as he could keep an eye on Rodney. Everything would be...okay. Not perfect, not hunky dory, not Nirvana, (they still had way too much to get through for any of those outcomes. Too many things had been said earlier, too many new scars to deal with...) but most definitely not horrible either. It would all just be...okay.
And really, that was all a man could ask for.